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02 March 2007 @ 03:31 pm
No one talk to me.

No, I take that back.

No one talk to me, no one look at me, breathe at me, stand within ten metres of me. And no one – absolutely no one – congratulate me on the recent one year advancement I received towards my final destination.

But comfort I shall gladly take in the knowledge that there are those ahead, oh much ahead of me in this wretched and infernal race we call life. Where the bitter end is both an inescapable curse and a welcome blessing.

Now I will go drink myself to oblivion, hopefully waking up in time for my next advancement.

Don’t worry. I have voicemail.
09 August 2006 @ 02:20 pm
*puts Moses down for his afternoon nap and realizes that she has the house completely to herself*

*looks for a book to read but can't concentrate on anything for longer then a page*

*can't check her email because she spilled a glass of wine on her keyboard the other night after Googling her name*

*refuses to become one of those horrid people who turns on the television just because they are bored*

*turns it on anyway and becomes completely engrossed in an afternoon talk show about men having to take paternity tests*

*finally manages to pull herself away during a break, turns the TV off and picks up her phone*

Voicemail left on Will's phone:

Will? It's Gwyn. I was just calling to congratulate you on having the number one movie this past weekend. You must tell me what that feels like. I'm a bit scared to go see it as I don't understand anything about race car driving or beer or Southern people. Do you think I'll still find it funny? I miss you, darling. My neck was stiff the other day and I actually had to go to a masseuse to get it taken care of. Please call me when you have a moment.

Voicemail left on Jen's (Aniston) phone:

Hello there, Ms. Perfect Legs. Maybe I should have stuck with dogs instead of children. The tabloids that the nannies keep leaving around the house tell me that you're getting married. Or that you're single. I'm confused, dear. I don't know whether to go out and buy you china or a stiff drink. Do call when you have a moment. Madge is on tour and all Stella wants to do is laugh about her stepmother's downfall. I need a sane girlfriend to talk to.

Voicemail left on Ricky's phone:

Mr.Gervais? Ricky? It's Gwyn. Gwyneth Paltrow. Ummm...this is a very strange message to leave but I accidentlly opened Chris's cellphone bill last night thinking it was mine. I noticed that he's called you almost every day this past month. If he's been bothering you then I do apologize and on the off chance that you've become friends then bravo. I'm glad he's finally found a friend I don't mind inviting over for dinner. Please call me when you get this.

Voicemail left on Lindsay's phone:

Ms.Lohan? This is Gwyneth Paltrow. I hope you don't mind me calling you. I know we don't know each other very well. I got your phone number from my friend Maya Rudolph who got it from Tina Fey. I just wanted to let you know that I think you have the potential to be a great and respected actress. You just need a little guidance. And better taste in men. If you're ever in London or New York when I am then we should do lunch. I could introduce you to my yoga instructor. It's all about replacing one addiction with another.

Voicemail left on Orlando's phone:

Darling, it's Gwyn. I...I'm not exactly sure why I'm calling you. I suppose I just wanted to say hello. Ummm...hello! Congrats on the big summer movie and all that. I hope you're finding time to relax. Maybe get a nice tan or work out some. Not that you need to do either. I mean not that I've noticed whether you need to do either. Okay. I'm going to hang up now. Feel free to call when you can. Or not. I'm sure you're busy. Goodbye. Have a lovely day. It was nice...ummm...not speaking to you.

Voicemail left on Colin's phone:

Hello you. I'm having the dullest afternoon possible. No one seems to be home. I hope you're out enjoying yourself. We should do lunch soon. You and Hugh and me and...well me. Some wine, some of those tiny sandwiches I know that Hugh loves and the three of us just enjoying each other. *long pause* I just made one of those entendres I always seem to make in front of you, didn't I? I should go before I accidentlly use the word threesome. Ta, darling.

Voicemail left on Jennifer's (Lopez) phone:

Jennifer, it's Gwyn. I'm calling on behalf of Stella. She's misplaced your phone number but wanted to make sure that you saw the latest pictures of the step-bitch being questioned by police. Those were her words not mine. If you have her number please give her a call, if not call me and I can reconnect the two of you.

Voicemail left on Jack's phone:

Bored. Call me. I miss you. One could almost say I pine for you. Don't make a pathetic woman of me.
04 August 2006 @ 10:38 pm
Oh GOD this has been like the WORST SUMMER EVER. I mean, just YESTERDAY I witnessed a HORRIBLE ATROCITY. What is the world COMING TO when I can't just sit at The Ivy and have a PRIVATE MEAL?? Just because it's in FULL VIEW of the WHOLE OF L.A. doesn't mean that people can just STARE at me, RIGHT???


And I mean, don't even get me STARTED on my new movie!! Doesn't James G. Stick-up-his-butinson know how hard it IS to be a STAR these days??? Sometimes I need sometime to myself! Taking time out to let down my hair is IMPORTANT!!

But, you know, at least I've got my MOM on my side. And you know, maybe I should calm down a bit. Maybe I should take a break...or something.

Maybe I could still take on a life coach, you know? Maybe..Will? Do you think there's STILL HOPE???
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
02 August 2006 @ 02:14 pm
My darling Johnny, it seems we haven't been doing all that well with the whole communication thing.

For example, when I kept going on about "bath", I meant for you to take one, not for us to move there.

And speaking of places to live, would you please inform me where exactly we live? Some sort of decision would be nice, I'm not trying to be pushy or anything, it's just that all those keys are putting a serious strain on my new purse. Thank you, sweetheart.

Now, how is everybody else? It's August, so I'm assuming you're all going on holiday. Remember to pack sun protection. If you don't, you'll just end up looking like something that's been pickled, which is not a look you want to try. Don't say I didn't warn you.
31 July 2006 @ 12:03 am
*walks onto a stage, facing empty seats*
*remembers a time when these seats were filled with celebrities, desperately waiting for their name to be called, in acceptance for an award*

I ain't never been up here before. Have I? Wait...was Under Siege good enough to win me-DAMN YOU JEAN CLAUDE! DAMN YOU TO WHATEVER WRONG HELL YOU BELIEVE IN!!!

*Most of these celebrities never even called him in the first place*
*well, unless they needed 'medicine'*
*or a voodoo spell*
*So, basically Johnny was the only one*
*But he remembers them all with tear-filled eyes.*
*kicks a wadded up piece of paper across the stage*
*shoves hands in pockets*
*sinks head*
*lifts head to the side, slowly, looking into the soul of no one*
*how he misses that...the...the looking into a soul thing*
*hears a voice echoing over the cavernous emptiness*

HEY! HEY, OLD MAN! You can't be in here! I gotta wax that floor in a bit and you're all on it with your feet! How'd you get in here? Get out 'fore I call the cops!

*shakes head from side to side*
*air guitars an awesome riff...probably something from Dream Theater*
*That'll show 'im. Busey's still got it*

Old man, is you retarded? I SAID GET OUT OF HERE!

*walks off stage*
*with each step, he feels his heart sink into his big, saggy, kinda red leathery-skinned chest, a chest which once held the heart of a dragon. "Dragonheart" he called it, until that name was stolen from him, too. Now he just calls it "Scaled Throbbing Thing Which Makes Blood".*
*wishes he had a pen and paper to write a poem about the benefits of St. John's Wort*
20 July 2006 @ 02:39 pm
*sits down at desk*
*notices that someone has stuffed a Hershey wrapper behind the Feng Shui friendly plant that sits in the North Western corner of the desk*
*gets very mad at Chris until she remembers that he is on tour*
*remembers Googling Brangelina a few nights back, getting upset over all the fansites dedicated to them and dipping into the hidden stash of chocolate she keeps in the basement*
*vows to do an extra hour of Pilates that night*
*turns on computer and checks email*
*deletes the 10 forwards her mother has sent her of articles on how to be a better parent*
*reads her Yoga pose of the day email and prints it out*
*rolls her eyes at Increase Your Size In 10 Days and Pleasure Your Lady spam. sees that Chris hasn't emailed her for the fourth day in a row. forwards it to him*
*composes email*

To: Jack Davenport
From: Gwyneth K. Paltrow
Subject: Your Pirate Movie


I was able to get away for a few hours today and see your latest film. I'm not quite sure what to say. As always you acted circles around your costars and were the only true thespian on the screen. The timeless air about you made it seem as if you were not an actor born in the 20th century but an actual Commodore who traveled through time to appear in this film, perhaps in a big, blue box like the Doctor in that show that everyone here in England seems to love so dearly.

However I am appalled at how disheveled and dirty you were. Darling, how did you bear letting them do that to your immaculate and well groomed body? I applaud you, dear one, as I don't believe I could ever go so far for any role. A fat suit is one thing. Ripped and smelly looking clothing is another. I do hope that for the third movie you have found your way back to a more sophisticated wardrobe.

All my love,

PS- If you are in touch with Ms.Knightley please tell her that she was almost as good at dressing as a boy as I was.

PPS- Apple used the word distopian the other day. Have you been calling the house and speaking to her if she picks up again? I really don't want to have to hire another nanny to keep a closer eye on her.
10 July 2006 @ 04:50 pm
So I was like AMAZINGLY bored the other day and I decided to just wander around the house. It wasn't really all that fun because Tom keeps most of the doors locked. I did find the kitchen which was pretty cool looking. And there were these two people in there and I think they might have been cooks. They were wearing dark suits but I mean cooks just wear those white outfits in the movies, right? I haven't been to a restaurant in a really long time so I don't really remember. Anyway. The cooks in dark suits were talking about how no one believes my baby is real and something needed to be done. I like totally gasped and when they saw I was standing there they walked out.

Guys. Susy totally is real. I saw her like a few weeks ago. I mean I saw a person in the house with a tiny baby who was crying and I'm pretty sure it was my baby. And then my mom emailed Tom this with a note asking to meet the baby since it is real. And Tom asked me to call her and tell her that Sandy had to start her OT Level classes and that no one could see her until she passed and that once she did we were going to have a huge party and invite everyone over to meet her.

So we're going to have a party soon. How cool is that! I hope you all can come.
06 July 2006 @ 07:19 pm

  • Poon Hound. This is ridiculous, as I have never hunted for poon, nor do I have a nose adequate for smelling it from miles off.

  • Ass Grabber. Ok, so I like to grab-ass, but it's all in fun. What man on this earth doesn't enjoy the suishy flesh of a woman's ass oozing between his fingers? YOU TELL ME WHO DOESN'T AND I SHALL STOP. (Sorry, Barbara...that was uncalled for. But you do have a nice ass.)

  • Pervert. Look...I am a man. I like women. I like their breasts, and I like to touch them. I like looking at them. Just because I poke them, make a point to mention how round they are in public, or stare obnoxiously at them, DOES NOT MAKE ME A PERVERT. I AM A COMEDIAN.

  • HUGE pervert. Well, I am tall. See above.

  • Womanizer. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. A-ha. Ha. That's just...flattering, A. And untrue, B.

  • Disgusting asshole. Thank you!

  • Jenny McCarthy's boy toy. Well, I heard that if you believe something hard enough, it comes true. Thanks, Science! You really came through for me on that one. Oh shit, I said that out loud. Um...*clears throat* Don't tell J-Lo. If you're reading this baby, it's all lies, ok? I wasn't french-kissing Jenny McCarthy in my car for hours. We aren't dating, ok? You're the one I love, right? Oh, by the way...how's MARC DOING?!

  • So if any of you have unpleasant nick-names for me, feel free to post them below. I'm just DYING to hear them.
    06 July 2006 @ 05:12 pm
    Mother has been nominated for an Emmy.

    That is so absolutely absurd. She plays a drunk mother who makes everyone around her feel bad about themselves. That is not acting.

    At least it's not THREE nominations like last year. And she probably won't win this year like she did last year.

    Not to mention that no amount of nominations for a television show can ever equal the honor of winning an Academy Award or a Golden Globe. Am I correct?

    I'm so happy for her.
    04 July 2006 @ 05:42 pm
    My GOD, I am gorgeous.

    Or I was, until my face started melting off and I ate those damned energy bars.

    You know, I think this year I'm just as inclined to celebrate America's estrangement from its Mother Country as its natives are! Why should they get all the fun?

    Firth, we must buy a grill and several tonnes of raw meat. And fireworks! And a Sousa CD!

    Ooh, we should also see Superman Returns, have you seen the boy they've got playing Superman? Good lord.

    God bless America.

    How is everyone?
    04 July 2006 @ 02:15 am
    Bonjour, my bourgeois comrades! I hope you are all doing as well as your socio-economic backgrounds will allow.

    And so. Have I surprised you at all with this spontaneously imported form of greeting? It is my plan to subtly interweave a bit of culture into my everyday speech so as to present myself as a more attractive role model for young ladies who would otherwise follow the lead of Paris Hilton or even that girl who had inflammation of l'aine. I think her name was aloha. I do hope she is feeling better now. I daresay fifteen is the most trying age. If I knew her intimately, I would send aloe and a box of smelling salts. Anyhow, after that dreadful revelation some months back over the intensifying adipocyte depletion crisis in today's teenaged girls, I decided to stand up for what's right.

    This is your body. This is what happens to your body after Voldemort has made a nice cozy spot for himself near your solar plexis! It is my opinion, and please correct me of any errors, that flesh is still very much held in high esteem in general society. Let us therefore take care to preserve this important part of our heritage.


    And this is what happens after Voldemort takes over completely. Please be careful out there, mes belle vaches.
    20 June 2006 @ 08:05 pm
    The Cast and Crew of a_list_celebs
    Are taking their summer holidays until
    July 4th, when the fun will begin anew!

    ...and we thank you for your support!

    (And if you miss your favorite celeb, let them know at a_list_fans!)
    11 June 2006 @ 01:21 am

    UNCLE HUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND JEN!! AND RICKY AND OMG KEANU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND BRITNEY!!!! BRITNEY!!!!! LOOOK!!!!!!!! :):):):):):):) omg omg omg is SO FUNNY also WOW brad was in a REALLY ScArY ooooo O_O film with REALLY SCARY HAIR AHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :):):):):) +++++++++++++++

    05 June 2006 @ 03:20 am
    Who's money? Come on, come on, you can say it. Who's money.. who's money?

    Jen and Vince are money. That's right, that's right. Money all the way baby, money all the way.

    *hides X-Men ticket stub*
    04 June 2006 @ 01:59 pm
    Hello! *grins* I've some wonderful news. Inspired by the gorgeous quill stylings of Jen and Gwyn, who I've now dubbed "Jenneth"...scratch that..."Gwynnifer". Anyway, so inspired by their taking a stab at screenplay, I spoke with Steve Merchant about getting serious, quite literally. I'm a funny man, of course. Perhaps THE funny man, but I can be so much more. I've so many wonderous thoughts about the direction we could go. Romance? Action? The 'thinking man's' movie? Y'know, like that film about the bloke who couldn't remember anything and had to tattoo on'is arm simple directions like taking a leak, and it was all turned 'round. Brilliant. I wouldn't go that route. *frowny face* Nothing against the handicapped, I just wouldn't do an entire film about one. Especially not about that kind of disabled. Seems insulting to the wheel chair kind and the small brainy kind. Y'know, in a way. "Ooh, look at me! I can still snog a lass because I'm terribly handsome!" Not that the handicapped can't snog. Probably wouldn't want to, actually. "Too good for it" probably. Who am I to say? What?

    Still mucking about on ideas for the silver screen. But rest assured, it will be tremendous, explosive, orgasmic, yea?, and profitable.

    Plot ideas, characters needed, etc.Collapse )
    01 June 2006 @ 07:58 pm
    You guys? This has been the most AMAZING week I have ever had in like ever. I can't even begin to share with you all the AMAZING and INCREDIBLE and AWESOME things that have made this week so AMAZING and INCREDIBLE and AWESOME.

    So, like? Tom? He's letting me out of the house again. We got go to Jim Carrey's house for Memorial Day. He is so funny. He was so AMAZING in Ace Ventura. I mean the whole part where me and Joshua rented it and made out during the whole movie was so much fun. I loved it.

    And then we actually almost kind of started to maybe talk about the actual wedding where I get to wear a big white dress and a tiara and feel like a princess and look even prettier then the episode where Joey competed in the beauty pagent to prove to everyone she was more then a tomboy and I got to sing that song from Les Mis and Michelle said my singing made her weep which was so touching. I mean she was really weeping and covering her ears and was so overcome that she begged to not be onset when we filmed that scene. I should call her.

    Oh! And guess what Tom said was okay? We are going to have KATHARINE MCPHEE sing at our wedding. I loved her on American Idol. I totally voted her like every night. When she sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow I totally cried and was like "This is cool because this is how Michelle acted when I sang" except that I didn't cover my ears or anything because then I wouldn't be able to hear her. Because if you cover your ears you can't actually listen to the music that is moving so it doesn't really make sense to do so. Hmmmm.

    But I totally have McPheever and people keep saying we look alike. Do you guys think so?

    Oh! And the baby? I have no idea where she is. I don't think she lives with us right now. Which is so cool because she cried a lot and I couldn't sleep.
    01 June 2006 @ 07:30 pm
    My poor darling husband is all run down from "having to deal with his new baby" and "promoting his successful career". Of course if he continues to lose awards to a man with a more annoying falsetto then even he has then I fear I may actually have to do something drastic. Something like an action movie. Or something where I cut off all my hair and play a drug addict.


    I need a hug.
    02 June 2006 @ 11:18 am

    .. I'm scared too.
    Current Mood: scaredscared
    31 May 2006 @ 04:22 pm
    And that, my friends, is what's called an awarding winning television show.
    26 May 2006 @ 03:37 pm
    Ha ha. HA ha ha. HA HA HA HA HA.

    SEE? I don't know what I was so worried about!!! She doesn't have ANYTHING on me. I mean, like anything SHE does will be NOMINATED for any AWARDS.

    And even if -- IF -- her (I laugh as I say this) "MUSIC" HA HA HA doesn't COMPLETELY suck SO HARD, I've still got my BACK UP PLAN which is:


    And as for Slimy Hair, don't forget -- I may not be so close with him now, but my Dad was on the inside. THE INSIDE!!!

    He can hook me UP.
    I think I shall henceforth be collecting hate posts for my scrapbook in addition to my modest but highly-detailed hate mail collection.

    And people! Let's not have it languish for all eternity in such a modest dress. Surely we can do better. I appeal to you, gentle readers, to emulate the following gentleman's passionate conviction and admirable sincerity. So impressed was I that I had to write him a letter, without delay, so as to thank him for this wholly undeserved honour:

    Your Highness,

    I apologise profusely for my thoughtless besmirching of the noble sport of soccer. I hope that - with time - soccer and its soccer fans can forgive me for this most grievous error in affectation of timbre. If I were a wiser man, I would have spurned the advise of my superiors and projected a more princely air, one that commands the attention and respect of all, thereby ensuring that English soccer retains the precious image of glorious sophistication universally associated with its name. Alas, however, I am a talentless whore. And true to my whoredom, I am but a slave to the coin.

    In reflection, I do realise what miserable, wretched creature I am. So please. Do not feel you must wait upon the dawn of a revolution in order to unload one (or several, if it so pleases your highness) into my brain.

    I remain at your disposal,
    Jack "Miles Stewart" Davenport

    p.s. i applaud your bold and righteous dismissal of the shift key.
    24 May 2006 @ 06:12 pm
    Noblesse oblige, my loves, but it is one of those obligations one is rather inclined to fulfill, especially so as Charles, or Charlsey as his friends call him, really knows how to make an offer worthwhile.

    See what he lend me for the afternoon!Collapse )

    But lets get back to the real topic of today. Helping the young and supple.
    I think I've said it best myself: There's an increasing tendency to characterise the young as almost another species, people talk about the young as if they're from another planet and they talk about them with fear and loathing. If we are to have a cohesive society that works, we must embrace our young and recognise they're part of our world, not apart from it.

    Ten shilling for the first clever squirrel to spot the Hunter S. Thompson reference. I'm just so versed in pop culture that sometimes I even surprise myself.

    In the spirit of "embracing the young", I'd like to extend a formal invitation of each and every one of you to get your young, nubile bodies within arms range so that I can give you a good ol'cuddle. No funny business, just a bit of frottage. Like two soldiers away from home who are missing their girlfriends. So, who's first? Orlando?
    24 May 2006 @ 06:41 pm
    Y'all would trip too if you weren't used to shoes.

    You can't judge me! Totally no judging! I'll lock you in my room with Kevin for a month and you'll be exactly the same.. *looks down at stomach* well, maybe not exactly the same. Er.. stop judging me! *Stamps foot* This is why I need a gun.

    It really gives me a new perfume idea though, would any of y'all buy Careless?
    23 May 2006 @ 07:41 pm
    Oh, sure, squeeze the thing out now when I have a new film out. That's just perfect. Really. Why doesn't she just take away everything I care about? Oh, wait, she already did that.

    If she has the baby 'imminently' everyone is going to be all 'aw look at the ugly little son of a bitch' and not paying attention to how beautiful and happy and not at all pregnant I look like they should be.
    22 May 2006 @ 08:45 pm
    Congratulations are in order to one
    captain_no_nameMr.Prince for beating my husband out as Sexiest Male Vegetarian. He's won in the past so he's not too distraught. At least I don't think he is. He keeps playing "When Doves Cry" and looking forlorn but it could just be the song has moved him.

    I don't know who this Kristen Bell is but she beat my Stella so she must be special. As you can see I wasn't even nominated this year. And that's fine. I enjoy a bit of meat every now and then. I'm not going to feel guilty or shamed because the meat of dead cows makes me happy. Just because Grace Slick has been nominated for a Sexiest something award and I haven't doesn't mean I'm going to do something silly like eat a gigantic plate of hummus and watch Bambi.
    22 May 2006 @ 06:08 pm
    It's time to sit back and watch the Oscars pour in.

    Too bad that old bastard Blue won't be there.
    19 May 2006 @ 06:10 pm
    Well, YEAH, I was spotted making out with THAT BLONDE...I can't even THINk of a CLEVER YET INSULTING NICKNAME FOR HER!!


    ANYway, I SERIOUSLY and TOTALLY made out with her ex. Sure, he's not my usual type, since he's pretty young BUT SOMETHING HAD TO BE DONE!!!

    THIS is worse than the MOU-- THIS IS almost as BAD AS THE MOUSE!! I NEED ASSASINS! I NEED BLACK OPS!

    Current Mood: ENRAGED
    18 May 2006 @ 10:38 pm
    There is nothing more remarkable to an artist then to be inspired to work in an art form they've never worked with before. I've been an actor for years, I directed a short film last year, and I've even recorded a song or two. Writing is a frontier I have yet to explore but thanks to
    my eagerness to work with Jen as soon as possible I have fully embraced my new career path. It's absolutely true that if you want something done properly you need to do it yourself.

    Jen and I desperately need deserve a script to the world we're not washed out how amazingly talented we are. I think I can safely speak for both of us when I say that I want this project of ours to win us tons of awards, keep us on the covers of magazines for years to come and make Brad and that woman decide to stay in the jungles of Africa forever inspire the masses and maybe even change the world. I want this to be a collaborative effort between the two of us but I've been working on some scenes. Apple was in an uncharacteristically quiet mood today and even Moses was well behaved so I was able to be a slave to the muses for an hour or two. I just couldn't help myself now that Orlando has expressed interest in being involved.

    I know I shouldn't spoil anything before we begin to shoot but I'm so excited and proud of my work that it would be cruel of me not to share a tiny bit of what I've done. I'm most curious to receive everyone's thoughts on this, especially Ms. Rowling's since she is such a famous author.

    I haven't thought of a title yet. Jen? Any suggestions? Since I have experience in naming people thanks to my children, I've gone ahead and given our characters names.Collapse )

    That's all I have so far. I would have gotten further but in the five seconds no one was watching her Apple drew a cat on her brother's head. Teaching her that drawing on your brother is wrong and washing Moses's head has taken up the rest of my day. I hope you all enjoyed what I've written.
    Current Mood: creative
    16 May 2006 @ 07:56 pm
    Law & Order: SVU wraps the season with a plot undoubtedly inspired by Tom Cruise's anti-pharmaceutical rant on Today. After a rock star disses psychiatric drugs on a talk-show, a young impressionable driver (Brittany Snow) goes off her anti-psychotic meds and runs down 10 pedestrians on NBC Ch. 6 and CKY Ch. 5 at 9 p.m.


    Well, Mr. Cruise?
    Current Mood: amusedamused
    16 May 2006 @ 08:59 pm

    Pros of the relationship:

  • Fantastic, if not epic sex

  • She's a real girl! Not like the blow up ones I've grown accustomed to in the past 2 years And she seems to like me!

  • Seriously, like, really good sex, you guys.

  • ...

  • ...

  • She's gorgeous, and we have fun together.

  • ...

  • ...

  • Did I mention that she's a girl and that she actually wants to have sex with me?

  • Cons of the relationship:

  • She's married.

  • May possibly only be using me to have a baby

  • Hasn't out right admitted if she loves me or not, but didn't say that she DIDN'T love me, so that's kind of like saying it, right?

  • I have to disguise my voice every time I call so she won't get caught. Which isn't hard for me, HELLO!

  • I feel really horrible being involved with infidelity

  • She'll NEVER LEAVE MARC and I can't help but feel incredibly rejected by that, because COME ON! IT'S MARC FUCKING ANTONY and I could store my entire house in his cheeks!

  • I can't go out with her in public

  • I can't marry her, because she isn't a polygamist, and polygamists only marry WIVES not husbands

  • I never see her and when I do it's just about my BODY.

  • Shit.


    I have no idea what to do about this situation.